10 Real #firstworldproblems for Spies

We have all seen spies in films, running around major cities, causing carnage and mayhem and then going home and leaving the mess for everyone else to deal with. They never seem to run into any of the daily mishaps or problems that a normal citizen would encounter.

Admittedly, there is a degree of artistic licence that you are granted when you produce any feature film. Spies don’t have to deal with any of the administrative issues surrounded with their activities. But imagine being a fly on the wall if they did, and seeing how they'd act when they're not being chased, shot at or seduced by femmes fatales...

Image via Koinos Zoi Photography

1. Running low on battery

In a scene from the Bourne Ultimatum, our eponymous hero walks into London Waterloo Station and purchases a phone from a kiosk vendor. He then proceeds to ring his target using said phone. There has been some, albeit less than fierce, discussion on the internet to why there was a charge in the mobile battery already.

Some people say there is already a minimum charge in a phone when you buy it. Maybe it’s a secret agreement with the government and phone manufacturers for just such an occasion. 

2.  Being ill (apart from being shot or stabbed)

Now, I know that it wouldn’t make for a particularly exciting scene of a movie, but James Bond has often been accused of hiding behind his manlihood, and his puns. Mostly his puns. Showing Bond buying a pack of Fishermans Friends at the local newsagents, I feel, would humanise him.  

3. Having an accident

Spies cars don’t get reversed into by unwary drives, they don’t slip on ice and they most certainly don’t burn themselves on anything. Mostly because you never see them eat, but that’s another story.

4. Getting something to eat and being disappointed with the service

Apart from never eating, spies never get anything less than world class service from anything that they do, whether it’s a valet service for their car or a cocktail that they want made in an exact way. Some say suave. Others say fussy. 

5. Forgetting someone's birthday

Do spies even have birthdays? I don’t know. If they do, then they don’t like celebrating them. They certainly never have to deal with any repercussions of missing a birthday of a family member. Heartless.

6. Running into old school 'friends'

I know that spies are supposed to be able to conceal and change their identity at will, but I always seem to bump into people that you don’t really want to talk to but feel like you have to.

“So, how is Matt doing in his new job?”

“I don’t know, he left me”

...Awkward

7. Burping in inappropriate situations

Everyone does it; it’s a perfectly normal natural occurrence. But maybe because you never see spies eat, they don’t have any gas to expel. Maybe they don’t have digestive systems at all?

8. Poor phone signal

As with item one, mobile phone signal never seems to be a problem for spies. In fact no technical malfunctions of any kind. Funny that. Apart from security cameras, which they seem to disable with ease, although in actual fact are probably one of the more foolhardy and reliable pieces of kit featured in any spy movie.

9. Being rubbish at sport

If your arch nemesis decides to challenge you to a fencing duel, the you had better be ready.

10. Spies never get asked if they have a loyalty card

I know this last point isn’t going to keep you up at night, but sometimes I just wish more everyday activities happened in spy films. It would make them feel more real and it would make me feel a lot better about the mundanity of MY everyday life.

What normal, everyday situation would you like to see a spy in?